


comfort

by brightclam



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks, Force-Sensitive Finn, grey jedi rey and finn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 07:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12766062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightclam/pseuds/brightclam
Summary: Finn struggles with being constantly immersed in the fight against the first order and the memories that come with that. Rey does her best to support him.[set in a nebulous time where they're both with the resistance and training to be jedi]





	comfort

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at 5 in the morning so sorry for any typos
> 
> I can't imagine how much trauma bullshit TM Finn is going through and I don't see that explored very often so here's an attempt

\------

 

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it, Rey.”

 

She looks up from the lightsaber pieces she’s fiddling with, concern on her face. The emotion breaks her concentration and they fall to the floor, clattering especially loud in the empty hallway. He reaches out and grabs ahold of them, levitating them back into the position she had them. She doesn't need another lightsaber, but building one is a jedi rite of passage, so she’s doing it anyways. Finn’s already built his, but she’s refused to take any advice from him.

 

“What won’t you be able to do?”

 

Finn sighs and slumps against the wall, the fabric of his robes squeaking against the metal as he shrugs.

 

“I don’t know, any of it. The resistance thing, the Jedi thing, the fighting thing. People look at me now like I’m a warrior, but I’m not.”

 

She frowns at him.

 

“Do you think you’re not strong enough? You know you are, you’re better with the force than I am.”

 

He smiles; she’s always quick to defend him, even if it’s just against him putting himself down.

 

“No, that's not it. It’s just…terrifying, going into battle knowing you’re going to kill people. I never was good at killing people, even after they trained me to for years. But everyone else seems so eager to kill people, and to see me kill people. It makes me feel like I should enjoy it or something.”

 

Her eyes get sadder and her face crumples, in that way it does when she knows she can’t do anything to help him stop hurting. She brushes the lightsaber pieces aside, up against the wall, and takes his hand. She squeezes his hand for a moment, the restrained strength in her grip reminding him he isn’t facing the world alone. 

 

“That’s not true, Finn. We don’t enjoy killing, but if you stop to think about how much it hurts it’s more likely to overwhelm you. You learn to act like it doesn’t hurt in order to protect yourself. It’s not that we don’t feel it, we just try to hide that we do.”

 

He laughs weakly, lets his head fall back and his eyes close. It’s still hard to regulate his emotions here; he’s encouraged to let them out, but sometimes he has to restrain them. The constant shifting is what really confuses him. The first order was very clear: you didn’t express emotion visibly, ever. The rule was stifling and he’d never go back to it, but at least it was a constant. He loves the freedom of the resistance, but it’s still hard to adjust to a place so often lacking in order.

 

Rey sighs, gently raises his hand to her mouth and presses a kiss to the tip of his pinkie finger. He giggles at the fluttering, ticklish touch. She smiles up at him, bright as the suns that rise over the base, and moves down to the callouses on his palm. There’s much less feeling there, but he treasures the callouses nonetheless. He has pilot’s callouses now, from tugging on the worn joysticks of a sky speeder or unscrewing countless hull plates. It means he’s a person who can do more than one job, who can have hobbies. It means he’s a person, more than a designation with a job number attached.

 

Rey trails kisses down his palm until she hits his wrist. Then she looks up at him again and speaks earnestly:

 

“It’ll get easier, Finn. And if you ever need me to cover for you, I can. That’s the benefit of having two Jedi.”

 

He smiles fondly at her, but it’s hard to think around the memories he’d unearthed in his head. Talking about the first order still brings back memories and emotions he’d like to avoid. But he can’t stop them from piling into the forefront of his mind, where he can’t escape them. He can feel tears gathering in his eyes and spilling down his cheeks and reflexively ducks his head, trying to hide them. Crying is weakness, fit only for children, or so he was taught.

 

Rey isn’t fooled and she pulls him closer, offering him sanctuary. He falls into the hug, burying his face in her shoulder. Fortunately, her hair is fully up today, otherwise he’d get a mouthful. He feels better just touching her, feeling that she’s real, her heartbeat constant proof that he isn’t alone anymore. She rocks him, just barely, and he smiles gratefully into the grey fabric of her robe.

 

When he’s recovered enough to pull away, she runs a comforting hand down his arm and asks:

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

He shakes his head, wordless for a moment. The memories come back so often, and for no reason. How to explain that his brain seems to tormenting him pointlessly? When he manages to speak, his voices is tight and choked from crying.

 

“I hate having to look at them. I hate having to look at the people who stole me from my family and brainwashed me for years. And I can’t even break down, I have to keep my cool because they’ll kill me if I hesitate. I never want to see them again but they’re everywhere.”

 

Rey’s eyes burn and the force ripples around her, the dark coming off her in waves. She knows how to keep it contained, how to use it as a weapon instead of letting it consume her, but that doesn't make her rage any less terrifying to look upon. She is a storm front, but one he knows he never has to fear. His dark isn't as strong as hers, but he doesn’t fear it like the jedi of old either. She snarls:

 

“We’ll make sure you don’t have to see them for much longer. We’ll make sure they never hurt anyone again.”

 

He smiles, as enchanted by her dark as he is by her light, and leans into her. She wraps her arms around him and he lets himself burn with her, until the world outside of them fades away. She shields him and he shields her, and together they spend a moment separate from the world, wrapped up in each other.

 

\-------


End file.
